


the love of my life (and the love of yours)

by mergwen



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post-Canon, i wanted more of their friendship in season 5 so here we are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:00:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23157487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mergwen/pseuds/mergwen
Summary: Following Arthur's death, Gwen and Merlin have a talk about Love, Friendship and Destiny.
Relationships: Gwen & Merlin (Merlin), Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 23
Kudos: 97





	the love of my life (and the love of yours)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this is my first fic for the Merlin fandom. I hope you enjoy!

“Come sit with me.” Gwen said, patting a spot on the ground next to her. She smiled at Merlin, carefree, in a way he hadn’t seen in a while. Not since… Arthur.

Merlin hesitated for a second. He had so far done a decent of job of avoiding Gwen, unless it was absolutely necessary, which unfortunately now that magic was legalised and Merlin was a member of Gwen’s council, was more often that not. It pained him. Pained him that Gwen was once his best friend, his closest confidante after Arthur. And now… he was barely able to look at her without it all being too much.

Gwen looked at him once more, putting on a look that meant ‘I am the queen and you will do as I say’. She was pretty scary when she needed to be.

He relented, settling down on the lush patch of grass, stretching his legs out in front of him. It was a beautiful day, the sun was loud, pouring in through the gaps between the high trees but the breeze was cool. It was unfair, in some ways, that the world had chosen to move forward after Arthur. It felt wrong that they were all not still grieving.

“I know you’re avoiding me, Merlin.”

Merlin looked at her, quick denial on the tip of his tongue but she shook him off.

“Don’t you try to deny it. I’ve seen you dodging into empty corridors.” She smiled, but it seemed sad, somehow. As if the thought hurt her. He felt awful.

“I didn’t mean to offend, your Majesty. It’s just…” He trailed off, not really sure where to begin with the explanation.

“There you go. _Your Majesty_ . You never showed this much deference in your life, Merlin. Certainly not to… Arthur. I should hope you’d treat me the same.” Gwen said, her voice wavering at the mention of his name.

She was so strong, Merlin thought. The perfect Queen. She did what he couldn’t. Hide her misery for the privacy of her chambers. She put on a brave face, the picture of regality in front of her people. She didn't want to worry them.

Merlin, on the other hand, grieved openly. He was miserable on his best days and a nightmare on the bad ones. Leon and Percy tried, they really did, but they could never get through to him and he knew he wasn’t making it easy on anyone. He failed to care. He wasn’t a noble, regardless of the title he now had, he needn’t have to pretend. Gwen did. It was expected of her. And much like the incredible Queen they had both known she would make, she was unwavering. She would not break. It was admirable.

He simply nodded, “I apologise your M- Gwen. I’m sorry.”

She cocked her head to the side, “For what?”

He looked at her, confused, “Huh?”

“I asked you what you were apologising for.”

He felt it was rather obvious.

“For… showing you deference as a subject of Camelot should?” He attempted and she smiled a little at that.

“Is that all, Merlin? I have a feeling that you're sorry for a great many things.”

He avoided her gaze. Of course, he was. Sorry, that is. Sorry for so many things. How exactly does one apologise for being unable to save someone’s husband, someone’s King, someone’s friend?

_I am sorry for not being able to save Arthur’s life. I was made for him, I was created to keep him safe and I failed. I am sorry. You entrusted me with his life and I failed, I am so sorry. I promised you all that I would lay my life to protect his and I would, I would trade my life for his in a heartbeat, but I can’t and for that I am truly s-_

“Stop it, Merlin. You cannot go down that path. Believe me on that. I have. It leads to nothing but misery. It won't bring him back.”

Ah, that was it wasn't it? It will bring him back. Not the misery, of course. But the Sidhe, the magic of Avalon, destiny. It will bring him back… to Merlin.

How was he tell Gwen this? Should he?

He hadn't decided yet. He just didn't know how to explain to Gwen that Arthur would be coming back, that it could be any day now or he could be coming back long after Gwen had passed. It felt unfair to let her carry that burden. It didn’t feel right to keep her stuck in the past, waiting, hoping for the return of a lost love. She had already done that. She didn't deserve it once more. Maybe it wasn't his decision to make. He didn't know. He really didn't know.

“I miss him too, Merlin. You’re not the only one carrying the pain.”

“Of course, Gwen. I know that!”

She shook her head, “I don’t mean it like that. I only meant that you don’t have to carry the burden alone. There is no one else in this castle, in the whole of Albion that understands my pain better than you do.”

Merlin ducked his head. He wasn't sure what to say to that. It’s was the truth, but admitting it would be admitting to so many things he’d never say out loud. Let alone to Gwen.

“He is… was my best friend.”

“He was mine as well.”

“That’s different, Gwen. You loved him.”

“As did you.”

Merlin’s denial comes fast. It wasn’t the first time he’d been questioned of the depth of his feelings for Arthur. Apparently, one was incapable of sacrificing themselves for a Prince without the true motivations of one’s actions being questioned. They were never wrong, of course. Gwaine, Leon and surprisingly, Percy. But it was easier to laugh it off, tell them to slow down on the ale. Gwen was different. Gwen, who should have been his rival, but never ever was. Gwen, whom Arthur loved fiercely. Gwen, whom Merlin would die for. He was never jealous. Not when their love was so pure, so right.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“You think me stupid, then?”

“Of course I don’t. You know that.” He scoffed. 

“I do,” She admitted, “Then perhaps you ought to be honest with me.”

Merlin hesitated, “I have never-”

Gwen laughed, “Oh, Merlin, you silly goose. I know you’ve never done anything about it. You are both far too noble for it and Arthur loves me far too much to even consider it.”

Merlin looked at her, brow furrowed, “Why are you asking me this?”

Gwen frowned. Her teeth pulled at her bottom lip, “Because I want you to know that I am not upset about it. I never doubted Arthur’s love for me. Just as I never doubted his love for you.”

It’s a bit too much all at once. He knew his dynamic with Arthur changed since they reclaimed the castle from Morgana the second time around. They were closer, they had survived something monumental together. Arthur sought his counsel more often, he insisted Merlin take the ante chamber on most nights. He was kinder, more thoughtful, more... loving. Merlin had never thought Gwen knew of it.

“I think our hearts are big enough to love more than one person, Merlin. Just because he opened it up to you, does not mean there was any less for me. In some ways, there was more.” She smiled, her eyes glazed over, perhaps lost in some old memory.

“You’re too good for this world, Gwen.”

She smiled at him, a big, honest smile.

“Perhaps. Or perhaps, I’m just what this world needs.”

She winked and for the first time, Merlin felt his heart give a little. Felt warmth seeping into the cold edges. Felt it beat.

They stayed like that for some time. Simply basking in the day, enjoying one another’s company like they used to. Back when Arthur loved Gwen in secret, back when Merlin’s biggest concern was when to get rid of Arthur’s donkey ears.

Gwen broke the silence. 

“There’s something you’re not telling, Merlin. I’ve sensed it. You keep trying, but then you hesitate. I want to know.”

Merlin gulped. Here it was.

“Please, tell me.”

He and Arthur shared this in common. Neither could ever deny her anything.

“You might hate me.” He whispers.

She looked into his eyes, searching for something and just as quickly she finds it. She shook her head, “Never.”

He took a deep breath, playing with the rich material of his new tunic.

“A while back, Morgause showed Arthur a vision of his mother…”

“Ygraine.” Gwen said, reverentially.

“Ygraine told Arthur of the true circumstances of his birth.”

Merlin hesitated. The memory too vivid. Arthur’s face full of love and wonder at the image of his mother, full of hatred and misery at what his father had done. There were nights when Merlin regretted his decision to let Uther live. But then, he thought of Arthur, and all the love he has for a father who doesn't deserve any of it, and he knew he made the right decision. 

“Uther struck a deal with Nimueh, the high priestess,” Merlin looked to Gwen and saw recognition in her face, “Ygraine was barren. Yet, Uther needed an heir. So, it was agreed that Arthur was to be born from the magic of the old religion. But, the old religion requires a restoration of the balance of nature. A life for a life. Uther knew this, he went ahead with it. I suppose he didn’t expect the result.”

“A life- Ygraine’s! Ygraine’s life for Arthur’s.”

“Yes.”

“But the purge… Uther- He slaughtered all these people for a mistake he knowingly made?” Gwen voice shakes. She was angry, livid.

“Yes.”

“He is a monster. A coward.”

Merlin agreed. 

“There was so many deaths, Gwen. You know this. All the magic within these sorcerers were drained. It bled into the world and it needed a vessel.”

Gwen listened intently. She had this way of focusing her entire attention on someone which Merlin had sometimes found disconcerting. She made people feel heard. 

“The old religion foresaw all this, of course. As such, there was a prophecy put forward by ancient seers who claimed that when the world was stripped away of its magic by the hand of a tyrant, a King shall be born to restore it and magic shall aid him in his destiny.”

“Magic… that’s you. You and Arthur. You share a destiny?” Gwen asked.

“Yes. To unite Albion and bring magic back to the lands. The magic that bled out from this world was restored within me, Gwen. I am-"

“Magic.” She said, breathlessly.

He nodded. She nudged him, implicitly asking him to continue.

“Arthur is a King foretold by prophecy, marked by destiny. He is born of magic and so he belongs to magic. Arthur is destined to protect Albion… now and in the future.”

He watched as she digested this information.

“Gwen, Arthur cannot die. Not in the sense we know. For as long as Albion stands, Arthur will too. And when Albion is at peril once more, when the magic from the world is dying again, Arthur will rise.”

Gwen gasped. Her hand darted out to grab his. Her eyes were wide, her mouth slightly open.

“He… he’ll come back? He’ll resurrect? When?” She asked in quick succession, looking around her almost as if he’ll jump out from behind a tree at any moment.

He sighed, “I do not know. It… could be a very long from now. A time where Camelot is no more.”

Gwen’s eyes filled with tears. Of course, she knew what he was saying. _A time beyond hers_ .

“But if it’s a time beyond ours, he will be alone.”

Bless Gwen, he thinks. Of course, that’s what would worry her the most. Not herself, not her own grief, but Arthur’s own survival.

“No. He will not.”

She took a second before she threw herself into his arms. Arms around his neck, she pulled him close to her.

“Oh, Merlin. You’re immortal, aren’t you? You must wait for him to return?”

It really was a wonder that Gwen never knew of his magic. Or perhaps, she did. Gaius had said it had taken her only a moment to accept it.

“Yes.”

“Immortality is a curse I would not wish upon anyone. But, at the very least, it gives me peace to know that if he were to come back at a time well beyond ours, he will return to you.” She said, as her eyelashes fluttered across his cheek, wet from her tears.

“Gwen, how.. how are you-"

He was at a loss. He was prepared for so many things. Her anger, betrayal, sadness. Anything. But not this.

“Trust me, Merlin, I would do anything for a chance to be with him again. To hold him, to kiss him. To just be with him, if only for a moment. The possibility that it could happen…” 

Gwen trailed off. He didn’t rush her, he merely held her close to him. Eventually, she pulled back, wiped a stray tear from his cheek that he hadn’t even notice had fallen. 

“Merlin, I cannot wait for Arthur. I have my subjects who depend on me. I must ensure an heir to Camelot. Arthur couldn’t….”

He knows. Arthur was unable to have children. It was the cost of his birth. One of the many prices he paid for Uther’s mistakes.

“Arthur is the love of my life, but I am more than Arthur’s wife. I have been, and I always will be. I may never love another like I loved Arthur, but I want to remarry, I want a child, an heir for Camelot. I want to rule this Kingdom in my own way. I am so much more than loving Arthur. As are you.”

Merlin shook his head, “I am nothing without him.”

“Don’t be silly, Merlin. You are a servant of Camelot. You are the very essence of magic. You are someone’s child, someone’s friend. You are so much more than Arthur’s destiny. You always have been and you always will be.”

She took a deep breath and smiled at him, “Besides, I am happy. Arthur and I shared a romance for the ages in this lifetime. He was mine, I was his. He should be yours in the next. It’s only fair.”

“Gwen, you talk nonsense. He will not… he cannot love me.”

“Arthur will come back a different man. He will possibly come back to far different world. Do not doubt the wonders freedom can do for love. You’ve both earned it. It pleases me, truly.”

Merlin doesn't know what to say so he keeps quiet.

“I have missed you. We were such great friends.” Gwen said, taking his hand in hers. 

“As have I.”

He meant it. She was one of the greatest friends he had ever had. And he’d lost far too many. Will, Freya, Lancelot, Elyan, Gwaine and Arthur. He would welcome her friendship with open arms.

“This world was cruel to us both. There is no reason to carry this burden alone. We have one another. It’s what Arthur would have wanted.”

She smiled at the horizon, angling her face to the sun. Sunlight hit her, lighting up her face, making her look almost ethereal.

“I believe that. I do miss your cooking rather intensely.”

“The Queen does not cook, Merlin.” She teased, swatting his arm.

“Not even her delicious apple pies? The ones she made for my birth date last year?”

“Maybe if she had the right motivation.” Gwen winked. 

They smiled at one another, and to Merlin it felt like healing.

“Can I see him?” Gwen asked. 

“I'm afraid not, Gwen. The Sidhe guard the tower where his body rests. They do not allow any mortal to enter their realm.”

“But you can.” She said.

“Yes.”

“Join me for dinner tonight. I have a letter I want to write. If Arthur comes back and I am no longer around, you'll give it to him once you’ve decided he’s settled down in the world he comes to. Understood? Not a day early.”

“Of course, Gwen. Anything.” He squeezed her hand.

It’s the least he could do. Give Arthur a piece of Gwen when he comes back.

“You cannot read it. Unless, he wants you to.”

“I would never…” He began, but she interrupted him.

“Good. Come on then. First one to the chambers gets the last apple pie.”

And with that, Gwen picked up her skirt and ran towards the castle. Her high-pitched giggle following her. The guards looked shocked, clearly contemplating whether they ought to run after her.

Merlin laughed. A full bellied laugh. A real one. He chased her through the corridors, casting a glamour so that no one saw the Queen of Camelot running through the castle chased by her court sorcerer, laughing like little children.

“Gwen!”

She turned to look at him and the unbridled joy in her face was contagious. He adored her, his best friend.

“I’m going to win, Merlin.” She started running once more.

“My lady, be careful!”

“What did I tell you about addressing me properly, Merlin?”

“Alright then. Clotpole!”

She rolled her eyes and dodged out of his reach.

And from deep within the ancient tower on the Lake of Avalon, Merlin could have sworn he heard a voice, laced with a smile, claiming that that wasn’t a word. 

**Author's Note:**

> apologies for spelling/grammatical errors!


End file.
